What Does a Dismissive Avoidant Find Attractive?

What Does a Dismissive Avoidant Find Attractive?

There are four main attachment styles, all of which tend to find certain qualities or traits more attractive than others. It can be counterintuitive because sometimes attraction is driven by trait diversity; meaning, often we are attracted to the traits in others that we are lacking or repress in ourselves. This makes the dismissive avoidant particularly drawn to warm supportive people in the beginning but they may then struggle to match the other’s emotional vulnerability later on in the relationship. So, what does a dismissive avoidant find attractive?

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

While oftentimes the dismissive avoidant grew up with their basic needs met, they faced a fairly consistent emotional neglect in their upbringing. This is what caused them to develop their hyper-independence. The dismissive avoidant is deeply misunderstood because they want connection and often commitment, just like anyone else. However they face persistent triggers and fears around relationships because they don’t know how to get their needs met through others. They fear being controlled and engulfed by the relationship because they are accustomed to only being able to get their needs met when they’re alone. If you think from this perspective it’s highly logical to be weary of entering into a relationship. They may expect to give a lot of time and energy to the relationship yet not get back much in return. This is not their partner’s fault but often a result of limited communication skills on the part of the dismissive avoidant individual.

What Does a Dismissive Avoidant Find Attractive?

1. Empathy
Dismissive avoidant individuals are not good at empathizing with themselves and are not in tune with their  emotions generally speaking, so when they meet someone who is, it draws the dismissive avoidant individual closer. In fact, they can be very drawn to this if someone expresses empathy and really sees the dismissive avoidant individual.
2. Attunement
When someone is attuned to the dismissive avoidant individual and notices little things about them, including the small details, it makes them feel special, valued, and cared for since they often didn’t experience this growing up.
3. Supportiveness
Dismissive avoidant individuals appreciate it when someone goes out of their way to support and express support through acts of service.
4. Emotional Availability
It brings the dismissive avoidant individual comfort and security when someone is warm, conversational, and easy to speak to, even though they might not express it. This is also part of trait variety which partially drives attraction.
5. Acceptance
When someone is accepting of the dismissive avoidant individual it makes them feel like their flaws are okay. It makes then feel unconditionally accepted as a whole. They very much appreciate when others bring up their needs or concerns in a gentle way when the dismissive avoidant individual makes a mistake or does something wrong.
6. Freedom and Autonomy
Dismissive avoidant individuals appreciate when someone respects their need for autonomy. They want to invest in a relationship, have time for freedom, and recharge when needed.
7. Respecting Boundaries
Letting a dismissive avoidant individual take their time opening up is crucial to avoid triggering “vulnerability hangovers” and feelings of deep rooted shame from resurfacing.


As you can see, what the dismissive avoidant individual finds attractive is a result of their unexpressed self and a result of them trying to get their needs met. In this way, opposites attract. The dismissive avoidant individual finds an open heart, empathy and supportiveness all very alluring. However, probably the biggest driver of long term attraction is acceptance because the dismissive avoidant individual struggles with vulnerability and shame around who they are due to insufficient emotional mirroring in childhood. It also stands to reason that the dismissive avoidant needs someone who will chase them a little bit simply because otherwise it is hard to form a relationship in a practical sense. This is partly why dismissive avoidants often pair with anxiously attached individuals. Attachment theory is a fascinating study of human behavior.


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