What Does a Fearful Avoidant Find Attractive?

What Does a Fearful Avoidant Find Attractive?

There are four main attachment styles, all of which tend to find certain qualities or traits more attractive than others. It can be counterintuitive because sometimes attraction is driven by trait diversity; meaning, often we are attracted to the traits in others that we are lacking or repress in ourselves. This makes the fearful avoidant particularly interesting. So, what does a fearful avoidant find attractive?

Fearful Avoidant Attachment

A fearful avoidant person, also called a disorganized attachment style, exhibits a complex blend of conflicting emotions and behaviors in relationships. They typically desire intimacy and closeness but simultaneously fear it, leading to unpredictable and inconsistent behavior. This person may appear both needy and distant, oscillating between seeking attention and pushing others away. Their fear of rejection and abandonment is profound, often rooted in past trauma or inconsistent caregiving during childhood. As a result, they may struggle with trust, feel overwhelmed by their emotions, and experience difficulty regulating them, which can complicate their relationships and lead to a sense of internal chaos and confusion.

As a fearful avoidant person begins to mature and understand their attachment style, they start recognizing the patterns and behaviors that have shaped their relationships. They may notice how their fear of intimacy and simultaneous longing for closeness have created a push-pull dynamic with partners. This self-awareness often brings to light the underlying fears of rejection and abandonment, rooted in past traumas or inconsistent caregiving. As they gain insight into these issues, they may experience a mix of relief and emotional upheaval. They might begin to see how their difficulty in trusting others and regulating emotions has affected their past relationship and seek to develop healthier attachment patterns. This process involves learning to manage their fears, build trust, and establish more consistent and secure connections with others.


What Does a Fearful Avoidant Find Attractive?

  1. Bringing new things about themselves to their attention. Fearful avoidant individuals are typically very introspective and love to learn more about themselves through others.
  2. Speaking highly of them to them and in front of others. Often fearful avoidant individuals need encouragement due to deep rooted feelings of insecurity.
  3. Calling the fearful avoidant out when they deserve or need it. If the fearful avoidant grew up in a chaotic environment it can be comforting to be called out for bad behavior because the boundaries are clear.
  4. Not letting them cross your boundaries. Being kind but firm in your boundaries while seeking to understand and consider them is highly important for a good relationship.
  5. Being more assertive than submissive. Fearful avoidant individuals want understanding and respect but not control or responsibility for your life.
  6. Treating them as an equal. Most fearful avoidant individuals have a high personality need for contribution so they are eager to help and want to feel considered.
  7. Standing up for the fearful avoidant individual. Loyalty is very attractive.
  8. Being brutally honest. This goes back to the issue of congruency and trust. Fearful avoidant individuals may avoid directness themselves but they often respond very well to it.
  9. Seeking to really understand the fearful avoidant individual.
  10. Being respectful and considerate. This includes addressing issues in a direct but calm and balanced way.
  11. Letting them proceed at their own pace. Despite being attracted to more assertive personalities, fearful avoidant individuals do not like to be controlled or pressured. Taking the lead is good, but trying to control the situation will backfire.


Fearful avoidant individuals are attracted to qualities that help them navigate their complex emotional landscape while fostering trust and security. They appreciate partners who bring new insights about themselves, as they are introspective and value self-discovery. Encouragement and being spoken highly of boost their confidence. Clear boundaries, both in calling out bad behavior and not allowing boundary crossing, provide a sense of security. They are drawn to assertive, yet respectful and considerate partners who treat them as equals and stand up for them, demonstrating loyalty. Brutal honesty builds trust, as it contrasts with their tendency to avoid directness. Partners who seek to understand them deeply and allow them to proceed at their own pace without exerting control are particularly attractive, balancing assertiveness with patience and understanding. This is what a fearful avoidant finds attractive! The other attachment styles have their own qualities they find attractive as well.




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