Attachment Styles Part 3: Anxious Preoccupied

Attachment Styles Part 3: Anxious Preoccupied

If you’ve been following along, you’ll know that there are four different attachment styles. While 50% of the population has a predominantly secure attachment style, the rest have one of the three insecure styles.

I decided to highlight this particular attachment style because I think it’s quite helpful to understand how someone’s need for reassurance can shape their overall attitudes and behavior. People sometimes call these folks needy or pushy but on the other hand they can be exceptionally warm. This type often dates the dismissive avoidant and will place a lot of negative projections onto their behavior, while if you look beneath the surface these two insecure types actually share a lot in common. I think it is important to understand without judgment because it’s the only way to make a truly accurate assessment.

Even securely attached people can have anxious preoccupied behaviors and traits, so I encourage you to understand this as a scale and not in absolute values.

If you’ve read my previous post on attachment styles and wellness you’ll be familiar with the concept of attachment theory. Let’s go over a brief review:

Attachment theory basically describes how our past experiences with primary attachment figures effect how we will bond in the present. There are four main attachment styles developed during childhood, which can also be altered through subsequent primary relationships (more or less secure) or therapy. Today we are discussing the anxious preoccupied attachment style.

Typical Traits:

1. Need a lot of reassurance.
2. Worry about rejection and abandonment.
3. Self-soothe by seeking reassurance from the outside.
4. May come across as jealous or possessive.
5. Feel like they’re not good enough for their partner.
6. Comfortable sharing vulnerability.
7. More likely to have an anxiety disorder.
8. Uses protest behaviors such as provoking jealousy or ignoring instead of communicating directly.
9. Can seem controlling or pushy.
10. Sensitive to perceived rejection or disapproval (that may not even be there).
11. Can be impulsive, even preempting a perceived abandonment or rejection (that wasn’t even going to happen).
12. May appear insecure.
13. Fears of rejection prevent growth within a relationship and an overreaction to manageable conflicts.
14. Demand signs that they are special to their partner in an attempt to quell their anxiety.
15. Worry a lot about being left/dumped.
16. Question why and if their partner really wants to be with them.

Core Wounds:

1. Feeling not good enough.
2. Feeling excluded.
3. Fear of abandonment.
4. Feeling disliked.
5. Feeling unworthy.

Triggers:

1. Distance within a relationship.
2. Inconsistent communication within a relationship.
3. Feeling excluded/disliked.
4. Potential rejection.
5. Conflict & the potential for abandonment.
6. Lack of approval.
7. Lack of reassurance and closeness.
8. Feeling unworthy.
9. Feeling unimportant.
10. Their own ruminating.
11. Anything that lowers their self-esteem.
12. Lack of physical closeness.
13. Tests of trust.

Typical Personality Needs

1. Certainty
2. Achievement (men mostly)

Typical Love Languages:

1. Physical touch

Anxious preoccupied individuals need affirmation. They need to feel secure in their relationship through frequent expressions of approval. They can be overly sensitive to any perceived threat to the relationship or any hint of abandonment or rejection. It’s helpful to reassure them that you want to be with them and if you’re serious about them you should let them know. They need to learn to self-soothe and trust in their own abilities and the love of their partner.

They most likely either had been bullied or rejected by peers, or had an inconsistently available primary caregiver for any reason (work, illness etc). They need SECURITY. This can be challenging for those more on the dismissive side of attachment to provide initially as the two types’ timelines don’t fit together. The anxious partner wants commitment and closeness (within a month) much sooner than the dismissive avoidant is comfortable with. Additionally, the anxious preoccupied tends to personalize everything and use protest behaviors such as ignoring and provoking jealousy. These strategies backfire when used on a dismissive avoidant individual since they use distance to self-soothe and need more time than others to return to equilibrium. It’s much better to be direct and risk rejection, especially considering the anxious preoccupied can have an unrealistically poor view of themselves and will often project disapproval and abandonment where there is little to none. Unfortunately, these individuals often overlook what their partner is already doing for them and tend to dwell on what could go wrong instead.

Finally, they may often feel anxious and worry about what their partner thinks of them. They can also sometimes have the perception that they are less of a priority for their partner than they actually are.

As you can see, the anxious preoccupied individual can be a handful, but also very endearing. If they learn how to manage their worry and work through conflict, they could make an amazing partner. Insecurity only leads to more insecurity. It’s special to bond with a more anxiously attached person because they have a charming warmth about them. Despite (and sometimes because of) their insecurities, they are very likable.

Furthermore, no one is stuck with an insecure attachment style. Even just by being in a healthy relationship with a securely attached individual we can move to become more secure.

A lot of us have a primary attachment but then can swing more to one side or the other. For example, a person can be primarily secure but have a lot of anxious preoccupied tendencies.

For more information you can watch these YouTube videos.

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