How to Deal with Controlling People

How to Deal with Controlling People

Understanding Controlling Behavior

Controlling behavior isn’t always obvious. While some people are overtly bossy, others use subtle tactics to influence those around them. This can show up in relationships, friendships, workplaces, and even family dynamics. Many controlling people do not realize they are being controlling and lack awareness of how their actions affect others. They often believe there is only one correct way to be polite, respectful, or successful, and they struggle to see things empathetically from another perspective. Read on to discover how to deal with controlling people.

Common signs of controlling behavior include:

– Giving unsolicited advice and insisting it’s the best option

– Micromanaging tasks or expecting things to be done a specific way

– Making decisions for others without consulting them

– Guilt-tripping or using passive-aggressive remarks

– Expecting constant updates or explanations for choices

– Frequently questioning or criticizing someone’s decisions

– Criticizing someone’s way of speaking, being or thinking

– Steering conversations or relationships toward their preferences most of the time

– Being disrespectful to someone’s home or space because they don’t find it to be “right” in their eyes

– Believing their way is the only “proper” way to handle situations

– Demanding emotions be expressed using arbitrary chosen language

Why People Try to Control Others

In order to fully address how to deal with controlling people, it’s essential to also understand why the behavior is happening in the first place. Being aware of why someone exhibits controlling behavior can help in dealing with them effectively. Here are some common reasons:

1. Anxiety and Fear

People who feel uneasy about uncertainty may try to control situations or people to create a sense of security. They may not realize how their behavior affects others. This is often the case with anxious attachment individuals.

2. Perfectionism

Some individuals believe things must be done in a particular way to be correct. Their controlling behavior often stems from a desire for efficiency rather than malice. They struggle to understand that different approaches can also be valid.

3. Learned Behavior

Many people develop controlling tendencies based on their upbringing. If they were raised by someone controlling, they may mimic that behavior without realizing it.

4. Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

Those who struggle with self-worth sometimes try to control others as a way to feel competent or needed.

5. Need for Power or Validation

Some people feel most comfortable when they are in charge. They might control others to feel a sense of importance or influence.

6. Rigid Thinking

Controlling people often have difficulty being open-minded and seeing things from different perspectives. They believe there is only one correct way to behave, speak, or handle situations, making it hard for them to accept alternative viewpoints.

7. Self-Focus

Not fully understanding what true intimacy means. Giving from a place of insecurity and fear. Lack mentality.

8. Unwillingness to be Vulnerable 

Expressing needs as criticism, demands and expectations instead of humble and vulnerable requests.

Common Types of Subtle Control

Not all control is aggressive or obvious. It’s essential to spot the small moves for control when learning how to deal with controlling people. Many controlling behaviors manifest in subtle ways, such as:

1. The “Helper” Control
This person insists on doing things for others, even when it’s not necessary. While they appear generous, they use their “help” to influence decisions and create dependence.

2. The Passive-Aggressive Controller
Instead of directly or vulnerably stating their desires, they use guilt, sarcasm, jokes and criticism or subtle put-downs to influence others.

3. The Perfectionist Controller
They correct minor details, insist things be done their way, and may have an unfounded fear of being taken advantage of so focus their attention externally.

4. The Approval-Seeker
This person uses emotional leverage to control others by making them feel guilty or responsible for their happiness.

5. The Micromanager
Often seen in workplace or family settings, this individual constantly oversees tasks, leaving little room for autonomy.

6. The “Only One Right Way” Thinker
This type of controller believes there is a single correct way to be polite, respectful, or successful and struggles to accept that different perspectives and approaches can be equally valid.

How Controlling Behavior Affects Relationships

Even subtle controlling behaviors can harm relationships over time. Some consequences include:
– Loss of independence/Learned helplessness – The controlled person may feel incapable of making their own decisions.
– Resentment – The one being controlled often grows frustrated with the lack of freedom.
– Increased conflict – Tension arises when one person constantly questions or corrects the other.
– Emotional exhaustion/Erosion of self-confidence – Feeling pressured to meet another person’s arbitrary edicts can be draining and demoralizing.
– Lack of true understanding/Loss of trust – When a controlling person struggles to see another’s perspective, it creates barriers to empathy and connection.

How to Handle a Controlling Person

Dealing with controlling individuals requires patience, assertiveness, and clear communication. Here are some strategies:

1. Recognize Their Behavior

Understanding that their actions stem from their own issues—not your inadequacy—helps prevent emotional reactions.

2. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Clearly express your limits. For example:
– “I appreciate your input, but I need to make this decision myself.”
– “I’d prefer to handle this task my way.”
– “I can’t provide updates all the time; let’s trust each other more.”

3. Avoid Over-Explaining

Giving long explanations invites more debate. Keep responses simple and confident.

4. Stay Calm and Assertive

Controlling individuals often push back when their influence is challenged. Stay firm but respectful in your responses.

5. Offer Compromise When Appropriate

Sometimes, a middle ground can satisfy both parties without giving in completely to their edicts. However, be mindful of whether compromise is truly necessary.

6. Shift the Focus Back to Them

If someone keeps pushing their preferences, ask them why it matters so much. This can encourage self-reflection and reduce their controlling tendencies.

7. Encourage Open-Mindedness

If the person has difficulty seeing other perspectives, gently challenge their assumptions by saying things like:
– “That might be how you see it, but I have a different approach.”
– “Can we consider another possibility?”
– “There isn’t just one way to do this; different methods work for different people.”

8. Build Independence

Maintain hobbies, friendships, and activities that reinforce your autonomy. The more confidence you have in your own decisions, the less influence controlling people will have over you.

9. A Taste of their Own Medicine (Controversial)

If the controller is still not able to understand your autonomy and personal point of view then you may be able to make a list of things you would change about them. Also make a list of things that you have done specifically for them (without previously pointing it out) since controlling people are also often playing tit-for-tat. This tit-for-tat mentality often stems from excessive self-focus. This self-focus leads them to only keep track of things they’ve done for others in a very miserly manner.

10. Remind Them that You’re Already Grown

If you’re close enough with the controller you may even put them on the phone with a parent.

 Final Thoughts

Not all controlling people have bad intentions, but their behavior can still be frustrating and exhausting. Many lack awareness and struggle to see things from another perspective, believing their way is the only correct way to behave or make decisions. By recognizing the signs, setting boundaries, and maintaining confidence, you can manage these relationships in a healthy way. Over time, asserting your independence may even help the controlling person recognize and adjust their behavior. This is how to deal with controlling people.

 

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